When Parents Become Polarized

Couples often make decisions to become parents for many reasons, usually with tremendous hope and trust in what the future will bring. With the divorce rate in the US hovering around 60% and the rate of breakups among non-married couples fallog in the same general range, the basis for believing in the odds of long-term connection seems naively optimistic. The basis for that optimism is neuropsychologically well-understood, but that is the subject for a different blog post.

This post’s emphasis involves the consequences when the dissolution of a couple’s relationship spills over in ways that impact the children in ugly and lasting ways…

Our social connections operate at many levels. Surprisingly, some of the most powerful levels that impact connection, attraction, bonding, and even fidelity, operate largely outside of conscious awareness. One of the mysterious factors operating at this level involves a tiny molecule called oxytocin*. Oxytocin has been popularly called the “love molecule” because of its role in determining bonding patterns in animals and mother-child bonding in humans. Animals high in oxytocin tend to bond with a single mate for life, while those low in this molecule tend to be wanderers, mating with multiple partners over their lives.

Too often, the couples I work with can be derailed from focusing on what the children most need. Either or both parent can deeply believe they are acting with their children’s best interests in mind. However, when the intensity of emotionally-driven conflicts between the adults is present, the children’s needs can’t help but be put in a secondary position.

The relationship wasn’t supposed to be like this. The promises, hopes, dreams, and vows were sincere and most of all, they were shared. And still, here you are. What happened? Is it too late? Am I a fool to even consider leaving? Am I an even bigger fool to consider staying? Is one more try warranted and a “fool’s errand”?

When these are the agonizing questions you are facing; when your mind is flooded with constantly shifting scenarios and your guts are tied up in knots; it may be useful to recognize several key points:

You are not alone

These life choice points, when taken seriously and explored honestly, are where important transformations in your life are born

These energy - both positive and negative - that is feeding this point in your life has its roots in your deepest desires to live a life of meaning, connection, and purpose

The “All American Family” structure, depicted above, is iconic. But how often does its rigid organization fail to account for the realities in which parents and children co-exist? The video above shows mom, dad, and young ones in their traditional roles. Dad looks outward, working to protect the family from potential threats. Historically, this has come through the provision of financial security, which translated into a life of stability and predictability in the face of potential external challenges.

However it is that you found yourself facing divorce, the process of divorce can, unfortunately, spiral out of control. It is tough enough to feel you are losing control of a relationship that was supposed to happily last a lifetime. It is even worse to find that the private details of your life are also spiraling out of control, often accompanied by large and accelerating costs to add insult to injury.

Where did you lose control? More importantly, how can you regain some measure of control over the process of divorce?

In 1956, Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, a singing group, launched the famous song, Why Do Fools Fall in Love? In it they crooned, “love is a losing game” that is almost certain to end in “defeat.” While it is certainly true that teens, and lovers of all ages, are likely to experience a broken heart at some point as they pursue love over the course of their lives, is love actually a losing game?

There is actually solid research evidence that helps to answer this question. The neuroscientific study of emotion provides a strong guide to what creates love and what makes it last. The basic story is not especially romantic. The element romance is a human add-on. But underneath the romance that is the subjects of 1000’s of love songs, courses fundamental neurobiological realities that exert a surprisingly strong effect on who it is we fall in love with and whether we are likely to stay in love.

No one seeks emotional chaos, but many of us gradually and unintentionally become experts in creating it and living in it. The experience of divorce is an excellent training ground to achieve emotional chaos. To “succeed” at creating emotional chaos requires several important steps. The central skill involved is to become more and more organized around REACTING to other’s actions. Our estranged spouse or partner often provides all the triggers we need to become wholly reactive, thereby losing focus on living in alignment with our core values, choosing to act with kindness and a generosity of spirit, and demonstrating the ability to look past disappointments and near-term slights to focus instead on actively creating a living legacy that reflects our best and highest self.

Many parents who experience divorce view it as a personal failure. “We couldn’t make it work!” That attitude carries with it emotional risks for the parent. Changes to self-esteem and personal identity can lead to lasting psychological scars that impact readiness to trust again, to risk being emotionally vulnerable, or to adopt a skeptical view that happiness and fulfillment remain possible.

These fears and doubts can impact children even more deeply. There is the potential that children bear a disproportionate burden when experiencing a divorce which was not their choice and over which they held no control The younger the child, the less able they are to distinguish what is and is not their responsibility. For younger children (under 10), what happens around them is experienced as an extension of them. In other words, if something happens around me it must be because of something I did or didn’t do. Therefore, for many children, the divorce is emotionally perceived as a personal failing. For this reason alone, the importance of cultivating an effective, respectful, and even loving co-parenting relationship between the divorcing parents cannot be overstated.

When couples comes to see me, sharing the pain and hurt of what has befallen them along with their dreams of shared love, among the most common questions I hear are, “How did we get here?” and “Where did we go so wrong?” The deep pain that spills over and fills the widening emotional gap between them , the same space that used to lovingly bind them together, is confusing, terrifying, betraying, and often angering.

When couples seek to repair their relationship, they bring two powerful beliefs into the process. On the one hand, they bring deep, sometimes desperate hope for things between them to get better, to be more like they once were. Opposing this hope is a firm doubt or skepticism that is just as deep. If a relationship is to be healed, both of these opposing forces must be honored and respected. In fact, unless both forces are channeled into the healing process, reconciliation is unlikely to be successful.

Clients often seek therapy and coaching assistance when their personal past weighs too heavily on their ability to live their life with a forward looking orientation. How do you choose between a course of therapy or embarking on a coaching experience?